Happy Mother’s Day
It’s the day after my first Mother’s Day and I should be thrilled, still basking in the glow of Motherhood. But I’m not, instead I feel grieve and sadness. Don’t get me wrong, my partner made me feel so special on Mother’s Day. I received flowers and gifts from my son. It was lovely; however, I couldn’t fight this odd feeling in my stomach. You see, this is my first year of motherhood and its quickly coming to an end. My son will be 1 soon and the “baby” phase is quickly fading away. While I love watching him grow and develop, with every milestone met, a loss occurs. There will always be “firsts” as they grow up, first kiss, first time driving, first time hitting a ball, riding a bike, etc. But these little firsts, the first tooth, the first clap, first time standing, will one day vanish. In a world so full of turmoil, the innocence and sweetness of a baby, keeps us afloat. As hard as it is to know that one day, your baby will grow up on you, it’s even harder to imagine that after years of pouring yourself into that little baby angel, one day your job will be done, and you will be left with … what?
I’m struggling with that, if I am being honest. Who am I now? Trying to regain some semblance of myself. My body is different, its soft in places it never was, it aches in ways it never did. I feel older, beaten up even. Do I regret my child? A question many of us are too afraid to ask. My answer: NO. Having my son has brought me a new understanding of love, patience, dedication and commitment. Do I miss who I was before pregnancy and motherhood? Absolutely. I said it! Ok, it’s out there. I MISS ME. Yes, motherhood is incredible, its hard and beautiful and the most selfless act…blah blah blah… I MISS ME.
And not the pregnancy related things like being able to sneeze and not pee, having an actual hairline and not seeing my hair fall into the sink with each comb. I miss my autonomy, having my brain to myself, my thoughts being about me and my life. I even miss my regular everyday anxiety, because mom anxiety? Honey… Regular anxiety doesn’t have S*** on Motherhood anxiety.
Not to mention my marriage. As a same sex couple, we actively CHOSE to conceive, but it was me, I was the one who so desperately wanted a baby. Some days the guilt is overwhelming, when we are both tired, haven’t kissed in a week, just two ships passing in the night, I wonder “is this my fault?” a wild concept, but I’m here to be honest with you.
Really nice Mother’s Day post, right? Not depressing at all! Well, if you’ve read this far, stick with me. I have decided to actively GREIVE, grieve my old life, the infant days, my old body, my old relationship. Because out of grieve comes clarity, peace and sometimes even joy.
People always say, “give yourself time, it takes X amount of years to bounce back from Postpartum” and if I’m being honest, I think that’s a crock of bull. I had a baby therefore I will always be “postpartum” you can’t go back to “prebaby” there is no such space anymore. I want something different, NOW. So, I am going to do just that (ask anyone who knows me, I’ve never listened)
I’ll never get the “old” me back, but I don’t want her, I want a new me. One not solely defined by being a wife and a mother. Someone I can be proud of and hopefully inspire someone else to begin a journey of Grief and rediscovery. Stay tuned as I go on this journey of rising from the ashes. Hope to see you on the other side!