10 minutes
What did you do to you?
Today drained me, it was just a mentally heavy and emotional day. All I wanted was to get the baby home, finish my work day and rot on my couch for an hour. Fortunately, for once, my son quietly played by himself while I finished working. I started dinner and we ate as family. All I heard was “Alexa play Ms. Rachel!” the dog barking, the fans whirring, Tik Tok videos playing on a loop and I was ready to lose my mind. I needed a minute. “I’m going to go take a quick shower” You know the jokes about the dads spending 2 hours using the bathroom? Well why can’t we do it! I mean lets face it, once you have a kid, the chances you will ever find yourself alone are ummm… zero? The bathroom is by no means a safe spot, but with my wife distracting him, I knew I could close the door and be alone for a moment.
I started the shower, got undressed and grabbed my smores trail mix (that I convince is healthy because its “trail mx” although its mostly chocolate) and plopped down with my back against the door. It was 6:22pm. I scrolled my phone, enjoying the warm steam and snacking away. Time rolled by and I started to have this nagging feeling in my stomach. Was I taking too long? Did she need help? His bedtime was 7pm, was I missing valuable quality time? I jumped up and looked at my phone. It was 6:32pm. 10 minutes… I sat there for 10 whole minutes before the guilt set in. I got into the shower utterly disgusted. Had I really let the guilt get to me to the point where I couldn’t even take 10 minutes to myself without feeling bad? And why did I feel so bad? My son has a whole other parent! He is eating cheese crackers, watching his shows and playing with his mom. Why couldn’t I take 10 minutes to myself to just… come back alive?
A happy mom, makes for happier kids. Taking a break to shut my brain down, take a breath and rejuvenate shouldn’t make me feel like the worst person in the world. I sat back and thought to myself “how do I make it feel safe for me to take time for myself?” what did I need? Validation from my partner? A set schedule? Maybe I wait until after bedtime? Then I realized what was standing in my way… me. Let’s be honest, we are our biggest critics. I won’t open my closet door to a bunch of people booing my mothering skills. No one is going to post videos about how selfish I am, I wasn’t going to be accosted on the street my strangers for being a crappy mom.
It was all me.. my own doubt, my own insecurities, my own thoughts. Self-talk is one of the most powerful tools we possess. How you speak to yourself makes all the difference. If you look in the mirror and think “I’m not doing enough” you will absolutely carry that into your life. I’ll be honest, I’ve always spoken harshly to myself. I had a therapist say to me once, “ why are you so mean to yourself? what did you do to you?” say that again… WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOU? Don’t say nothing!!! SAY IT. What have I done to me? I haven’t treated my body well. I overeat, drink a little too much and I don’t work out as much as I should. I let other people influence me and I look to those around me for validation. I can be lazy and inconsistent. Sometimes I can be petty and have mean girl moments. What else? My heart has grown 10-fold since having my son, I’ve become softer and gentler, more forgiving. My body has grown my child, carried him, birthed him and then fed him, it carried me when I was exhausted and protected me. I’ve learned to cry again, to be vulnerable and verbalize my needs, I’m tougher, mentally and physically, so you know what? I can give her 10 minutes.