Dear Fallon…

I got a chance to say goodbye… but in my head, I was still deeply in denial that you were leaving me. I remember the day I came to see you. I worked up the courage to drive to your apartment alone. The house was quiet, Figi long gone, not there to greet me at the door.  Your mother was there, speaking softly as always. Her tone was even and calm as If she knew I had to be treated with kid gloves.

When I came into your room and saw you lying on the bed, smaller than I had ever seen you, taking shallow breaths with your eyes closed, my breath caught. The ball in my throat grew 10x and I felt sick to my stomach. I ran back out to the living room to compose myself. One hand over my mouth to stifle the cries and another on my chest, holding my heart in place.

I wish I hadn’t done that. I wish I had been brave enough to face you head on. I wish I could’ve had enough backbone to hold myself together, at least for you. I came back into your room with your mom. Her speaking to you delicately. Telling you “Guess who’s here? Alley’s here” and you immediately began making noises and trying to rise. Your eyes never opened and I grateful for that. I don’t think I could have handled looking you in the eye and saying goodbye.  I held your hand, so slim and small in mine and I just watched you, trying with all my might to somehow transport all the memories and thoughts I had into your head. Praying that if I could just send enough happy memories your way, you could go peacefully and be happy in the afterlife. When it was time to leave your mom said to me “give her a kiss” and I did, gently on your forehead. Realizing I had never kissed you before. Wishing it wouldn’t be my last.

You left this earth that same week. Fallon, I wasn’t at your memorial, and I am so sorry for that. Due to a miscommunication, I thought there wasn’t a formal memorial, and I never got the chance to stand in that room and tell all those people what you really meant to me. For that I am sorry.  But in reality, I ran. I was scared and alone and I could not face the fact that you were gone. A memorial, with music and flowers, looking at that life size photo of you was too much to bear. I watched online, alone in my home, curled up in a ball on the couch. A moment I will always regret.

Had I been there, here is what I would have said…

Fallon, you will never know how much you truly meant to me or how much I needed you. When I was alone in this world, you took my hand and never let it go. You made me feel purposeful, important and worthy. You were and will always be my greatest blessing. I have never known someone to be so selfless, honest, loving, caring and considerate. When I wanted to seek revenge on my enemies, you taught me forgiveness, when I wanted to throw a punch, you taught me about consequences and regret. All while never letting me think for a moment that I was a bad person. I thank God every day that I got to have you, that somehow God deemed me worthy enough to experience you.

I never met a person so infectious in my life. You lit up every room you walked into, people couldn’t just say hi and walk away, no they needed to be your friend. I always envied that, how well liked you were, how easy it was for people to want to be around you. I carried about this baggage of feeling unwanted and hard to love, but with you, I could sit it down.

Losing you was single handedly the hardest thing I have ever experience. A life cut short much too early. A beautiful life full of hope, wonderment and joy. How unfair it is that you were taken so soon. I miss you every day, some days the pain is too great, then I remember, how much you enjoyed life. Traveling, socializing, being curious and excited and I remember how much joy it brough you to see others happy. You would be sad to see me sitting in this grief. You would tell me its ok, life moves on, and I will recover. You would tell me how proud you are of me and Britt, reminding me to not think negatively about myself and that happiness is always obtainable.

I’ve decided that I cannot mourn you anymore, as hard as it is, I cannot possibly do you any justice if I sit in this space of sadness. I must move on, no matter how much it pains me to.

Please know I will never forget you, that I will try my hardest to make you proud and know that in my heart you will always live. I can’t be sad for you anymore, staying in this place would be a disservice to you.

You were a star, truly something else my girl. A joy and a light that I am so honored to have experienced. I want to remember you like that, laughing, dancing, telling stories, giving me the best hugs in the world and cheering me on at every turn. I love you my girl and I miss you every day, but I have accepted that you were just too bright for this world.

I love you fally fal.